A number of years ago, my marriage was in crisis — and I didn’t even know it.
My wife was working through a series of crises of her own: post-COVID burnout at work, the grief of her father’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, and a profound sense of disconnection in her marriage. Of course, I knew everything wasn’t perfect. But somehow, the depth of the rift was invisible to me.
Our Love Story
Our love story is one of the greatest things that has ever happened in my life, and it’s been a source of incredible strength to me over the years. It has seen me through some of the lowest points in my life and inspired me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise.
We met completely by chance, on the street one day, looking at some crooked houses. The chemistry was instant. In less than a year, we were married, and not long after, we had our first child.
Anyone who has had children will tell you that it calls on new parents to make huge adjustments to their lives — and it can put great strain on a relationship. That was definitely our experience. We really hadn’t known each other very long before we got pregnant, so perhaps it’s no surprise that we felt that strain profoundly.
The Strain Builds
It actually took years for the strain to reach the point where things started to look bleak. As I mentioned, a number of external factors contributed too. Nevertheless, we eventually found ourselves at a point of disconnection where we desperately needed outside help.
That’s when we decided to find a couples counsellor to help us find the way back to each other.
Male Relational Dread
In their book We Have to Talk, Samuel Shem and Janet Surrey describe a phenomenon they call “male relational dread” — the sinking feeling many men experience when it comes to discussing their intimate relationships.
In our society, women are typically the guardians of relationships. From an early age, they engage deeply in relationships and they learn to navigate relational spaces in ways that boys and men typically do not. Shem and Surrey point out that this often comes at a cost, as girls will often suppress their authentic selves in order to maintain friendships and group acceptance. Nevertheless, by adulthood women are expected to be the caretakers of all relationships, despite the fact that connection is basic need of men and women alike.
When I first read the phrase “male relational dread,” it struck a deep chord within me. I had experienced that “oh no” feeling many times, whenever my wife wanted to start a conversation about the relationship. The analogy I like to use is a novice jiu-jitsu player taking on a vastly more experienced opponent — expecting to get tied up in knots within seconds.
I realized a number of years back that one of my own triggers happens when my competence is questioned — and I’ve since learned this is a common trigger for many men. Perhaps that played into my reluctance to discuss anything to do with the relationship. I also learned that there was a big lag between the moment something upset me and the moment I understood why I was upset. It could be days before I was able to uncover the deeper reason for my hurt. Over time, I’ve learned how to reduce that lag to the point where we can work through problems pretty much as they arise.
Finding Help in Couples Therapy
When things were at their lowest ebb, we finally decided to look for outside help, and we found a marriage counsellor who could help us navigate those choppy waters.
Immediately upon entering that space, I felt a sense of safety I didn’t feel when it was just my wife and me. It was like there was a referee between us, someone who could ensure everyone played safely.
In couples therapy, I was finally able to express thoughts and feelings that elsewhere I feared would be rejected as criticisms. I found a way to advocate for my own emotional needs in the relationship.
I’ll never forget the feeling of leaving those counselling sessions — the feeling of a weight lifted, or a held breath finally exhaled.
This first-hand experience has informed my own practice hugely. I know how important it is to create a space where both partners feel that their perspective carries equal weight in the room. I can quickly recognize who the reluctant partner is, the one who feels like a novice who might be overwhelmed at any moment. In subtle ways I encourage them to step forward and advocate for their own needs in the relationship.
Ultimately, my goal is to bring my couples into what Shem and Surrey call ‘mutuality’, a place where the couple is talking about the ‘us’ rather than ‘you’ and ‘I’.
The mutuality in my own marriage has continued to deepen over time, as my wife and I each do our own work and bring new insights back to the common space. That doesn’t mean we are perfect—not by a long shot! The other day tension flared up over yogourt of all things. But the time we were able to move from disconnection to reconnection was quick, and in the end we both felt safe and seen again.
If you and your partner are struggling in disconnection, feel free to reach out and book a free 20 minute consultation.
